Many of us move through life with an invisible filter that simplifies the world into extremes. Things are good or bad. Other people are trustworthy or disappointing. We have or don't have that trait we really want. We failed or we did well. This kind of thinking—often called black-and-white or all-or-nothing thinking—can feel clarifying in the moment. It offers certainty, quick conclusions, and a sense of control.
When we think about the culture of self-love and self-acceptance, we think about having to see ourselves all in a good light. But I don't think that's really what having a good relationship with yourself is all about.
I think what's more important is seeing ourselves in context and with flexibility. We are too complex to fit into our own minds. There are too many infinite ways to look at ourselves or a situation. Self-acceptance is really just acceptance of thought, even when the thought is self-critique.
If you are angry or upset or disappointed in yourself, that's okay. If you're really proud of yourself and feeling good, that's okay. If you think you might feel okay, but struggle to see the good, and are in the process of working on giving yourself more credit, that's okay. If you feel badly about yourself but want to be able to give yourself more grace, that's okay. Every confusing emotion is welcome. We won't like ourselves all the time but we also won't hate ourselves all the time. We make mistakes, but we grow from them, or sometimes we won't grow from them for a very long time. The same way we sometimes love someone and sometimes hate them, that can apply to us --- like how a certain trait in someone else is both detrimental and helpful in some ways to the same relationship. Sometimes our self esteem is high and sometimes our self esteem is low.
Rigid thinking narrows our perspective, intensifies our emotional reactions, and leaves little room for growth. It's normal and makes sense that we do this and in some ways we always will. But if you are constantly evaluating yourself in extremes, true acceptance of your own reality becomes much harder and your power is much less. There are less choices available to make. More emotions forcing your hand. You are more captive to your default way of being. We want more flexibility.
Cognitive flexibility is the ability to shift your thinking, consider multiple perspectives, and hold complexity without rushing to a fixed conclusion. It allows you to move away from rigid categories and toward a more nuanced understanding of yourself and the world. This shift fundamentally changes your internal experience by allowing contradictions to coexist. You can be both strong and struggling. Confident in some areas and uncertain in others. Proud of yourself and still wanting change. This is what it means to be human.
Black-and-white thinking often develops as a way to cope with uncertainty. When life feels overwhelming, reducing complexity into simple categories can feel safer. It gives the illusion of clarity: This is right. That is wrong. I am this kind of person. However, reality rarely fits into these clean divisions. When you view yourself through this rigid lens, your self-worth becomes fragile. One of the most powerful shifts in developing cognitive flexibility is moving from “either/or” to “both/and” thinking.
Instead of:
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“I handled that poorly, so I’m not good at relationships.”
You might say:
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“I didn’t handle that the way I wanted to, and I’m still someone who cares about improving my relationships.”
Instead of:
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“I feel anxious, so something must be wrong with me.”
You might say:
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“I feel anxious, and that makes sense given what I’m dealing with.”
This “both/and” mindset allows you to hold yourself with more accuracy and compassion. It acknowledges your imperfections without reducing you to them. Over time, this shift softens the internal environment. You are no longer constantly judging yourself—you are understanding yourself. Radical self-acceptance is not found in perfection. It is found in the gray areas—the in-between spaces where most of life actually happens: you can relate to yourself as a dynamic, evolving person rather than a fixed identity.
Cognitive flexibility doesn’t just change your thoughts—it changes your emotional life. Flexible thinking, by contrast, creates emotional regulation. When you see a situation from multiple angles, your response becomes more balanced. Developing cognitive flexibility is a skill, and like any skill, it strengthens with practice. Here are a few ways to begin integrating it into your daily life:
1. Catch extreme language.
Notice when you use words like “always,” “never,” “completely,” or “totally.”
2. Generate alternative interpretations.
When something upsetting happens, try to come up with at least two other possible explanations. (This doesn’t mean dismissing your initial reaction, in fact, embrace that too.)
3. Separate identity from behavior.
This creates room for change without attacking your sense of self.
4. Embrace partial truths.
Allow multiple things to be true at once.
5. Slow down your conclusions. Become aware to the human experience. Watch your thoughts happen with compassion, freedom, gratitude, and curiosity.