Losing someone you love is an incredibly difficult experience. When you're grieving, well-intentioned words of comfort can sometimes feel out of place. Here are a few examples of what grieving individuals have heard from people intending to offer support:
- "At least you had them for as long as you did."
- "You can always have another child/find another partner."
- "They're in a better place now."
- "At least now you get to know what's really important in life."
- "This will make you a better person in the end."
- "You won't always feel this bad."
- "You're stronger than you think."
- "This is all part of the plan."
- "Everything happens for a reason."
While these phrases are often meant to provide solace, they can unintentionally dismiss the pain of grief. A hidden implication lies behind these statements, like "It's not okay to feel how you feel," which diminishes the reality of the loss.
What Grieving People Really Need
True comfort comes from being heard and understood. It's about having your loss acknowledged in its entirety, without being minimized or diluted. Though it might feel counterintuitive, acknowledging someone's pain provides the most genuine form of support.
Here’s how you can truly comfort someone grieving:
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Listen Without Judgment: Let them express their feelings freely, without offering advice or solutions. Just being there and listening can mean the world.
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Acknowledge the Loss: Recognize the significance of their loss by using the person's name or acknowledging their relationship, like "I know how much John meant to you."
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Avoid Clichés: Steer clear of phrases like "They're in a better place" or "Everything happens for a reason." Instead, try, "I'm so sorry you're going through this."
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Offer Practical Support: Grief can be overwhelming. Simple acts like bringing meals, helping with chores, or offering to run errands can make a big difference.
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Stay Present: Grieving is a long process. Continue to check in, even weeks or months after the loss. Your consistent presence shows that you care.
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Respect Their Timeline: Everyone grieves differently. Avoid putting pressure on them to "move on" or "feel better." Let them heal at their own pace.
This content is borrowed from the book "It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand " by Megan Devine.
Book: https://a.co/d/36kxx31